Orange On the Aisle: Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Perhaps the presence of the word "sleeps" in the title should have been a danger flashing sign.

Then again, as a mega-fan of the Oliver Stone's original Wall Street, no danger flashing signs — even those as strong as the overwhelmingly negative reviews and presence of Shia LeBeouf — were likely to keep me from checking out the return of Gekko.

The problem, or one of many, was the return of Gekko that Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps was supposed to be didn't have much Gekko in it.

Maybe Charlie Sheen's Bud Fox got more screen time in Wall Street than Michael Douglas' Gordon Gekko did, but there certainly was a lot more Gekko in the original than in the sequel. And when there was, he wasn't reconnecting with a daughter who blamed him for not being there (because he was in prison, the selfish bastard), which somehow contributed to her brother/his son committing suicide.

Oh yeah, sorry. If you were hoping for the return of the fruit-tossing brat Rudy from the original, no dice. Guess those French lessons didn't pan out.

Douglas was good returning to Gekko, his most iconic film role, but the material he got to work with just didn't come close to matching up. He was barely in this movie though, so it didn't much matter.

The stuff we did get was mostly pretty lame. Josh Brolin is solid as the fill-in Gekko character Bretton James, and when the movie focuses on the back-room financial warring and deal-making, it's entertaining enough at times. But there's just way too little of that and way too much crybaby relationship stuff with LeBeouf, Carey Mulligan, Frank Langella, Susan Sarandon and even Douglas a bit.

And, much like a corrupt CEO's million-dollar bonus (or golden parachute), none of the emotional conflict feels earned in this movie. Most of Money Never Sleeps is just boring as hell.

Stone wants to warn us about an impending economic apocalypse should the cycle of Wall Street chicanery, no federal oversight and huge bailouts continue. And a movie more focused on that might have been better, but this isn't that movie. Sleep on it.

— 1.5 out of 5 giant '80s mobile phones

NOTES:
* Charlie "cocaine suitcase" Sheen makes a cameo as original Wall Street hero Bud Fox, and it is pathetically lame. I, for one, will choose to believe it never happened. Bud Fox deserves better.

* The writer of this post on the trailer was severely bummed after finally seeing the movie. The only good news is I think I have a leftover free OnDemand movie coupon to use, so this one will be on Comcast.

Orange On the Aisle: 1941

Sometimes you read an article or an online discussion that makes mention of a movie, and it sparks a curiosity to check it out. Sometimes, it's best to ignore that curiosity.

Steven Spielberg's 1941 was such a movie for me. It came up in some random AV Club conversation (I think) and, as 1941 infrequently airs on cable, I wanted to watch it for the first time in probably 20 years to see how it held up, and if it deserved all the derision it receives.

In short — yes, 1941 deserves the derision. And then some.

My vague recollections of the movie were even vaguer than I realized, as John Belushi running around being John Belushi was really the only bit I accurately remembered. My impression of the film from back in the day was that it wasn't good, but not as horrible as most said. Rather, I remembered it as a giant mess.

Well, it's a giant mess, yes, and a pretty horrible movie too. Even worse, at about 2 hours and 20 minutes long, it's grating and often boring as Spielberg spends an inordinate amount of time on really lame subplots.

Supposedly, Spielberg admitted to not really knowing what to do with the movie, and so threw as much as he could think of at the wall. The resultant product seems to bear that out. It's like five bad movies formed up like one idiotic Voltron — if Voltron was designed by a team of geriatrics, 9-year-old kids and horny high schoolers who each stuck their favorite stuff into the movie.

I should note here that the movie watching experience was in no way enhanced by the quality of the movie offered on the "Collector's Edition" DVD — a quality best described as shit (technical term). The picture quality was so bad that I had to pause the movie a half hour in to research what the deal was. The thinking is that this was a copy from the laser disc version of the movie, and a bad one at that. It's presented in a non-anamorphic 2.35:1 widescreen, but it shows up small on your screen for some reason. Blowing it up might not help anything though, as the film looks really bad at times — sometimes grainy, sometimes overexposed. If you burned a DVD from an old VHS copy of a movie, I imagine it would look something like this. This review takes the DVD to task pretty well.

Anyway, there actually was some good to be had in 1941:
— Spielberg's direction was pretty fun (when he wasn't relying on some obvious airplane model shots) and even reminded me of the Cohen brothers in terms of camera movement. And there were a few stunts that actually looked pretty scary for the stunt men, who took some real slams for bits that took up 3 seconds of screen time.
— Slim Pickens is never not awesome.
—No one gets good writing here, but Treat Williams at least gives it a game effort early on ... before his character basically spends the last two-thirds of the movie trying to rape the ostensible female lead. Hilarious!
— Dan Aykroyd, after his character gets bonked on the head, proceeds to look absolutely insane and act like he's on drugs (and in 1979, he may have been).
— A ventriloquist's dummy appears without warning at one point and remains without any explanation. When it talks it looks funny. I'm serious.
— The main players are listed in the end credits along with a clip from the movie, and almost all of them feature the actor screaming. This amused me for some reason.

And that's about it. There are a ton of great actors and performers in this — John Candy, Warren Oates, Toshiro Mifune, Ned Beatty, Nancy Allen, Tim Matheson, Joe Flaherty had a line that made me laugh — and so there are some funny moments (although Candy, Mifune and several others are either completely wasted or given terrible material). It's just that no one involved and none of the funny moments in any way justify sitting through 2 hours-plus of this movie.

Not even Belushi, who early on in 1941 appears to modern eyes to be doing a John Belushi parody, only this movie came out in 1979, so that's not possible. That said, by the time he reappears near the end of the movie he's actually a breath of fresh air, as the preceding hour-plus has been so exhaustively bad.

— 1.5 out of 5 Wendie Jo Sperbers

NOTE: If for some reason you want to watch this mess, the version at Crackle.com looks much better than this cruddy DVD's transfer.

Orange On the Aisle: Transformers

Man, this movie was bad. Even a 15-minute nap around halfway through couldn't help.

I'd been putting off Transformers for a while, figuring I'd catch it eventually. I finally had nothing else to do and took the plunge, and realized why my subconscious had been making me put it off. It knew.

Problems were many in this one, but most annoying, I guess, was that the titular characters were barely in the movie. This is probably because they were not interesting, or even cool looking/functioning, in the least. Also, next to nothing was explained. Probably because things explained were preposterous, so maybe they stopped trying early in the process.

To break it down, this thing was about 65 percent boring, 20 percent just bad, 8 percent really annoying if you were taking it seriously at all, 5 percent "OK I laughed at that joke," and 2 percent hot, blonde Australian super-smart hacker chick (because that happens).

If you like your Transformers movies good, I recommend the original, which I actually took in at the theater back in the day. Or if you like your robot drama mixed with non-LaBeouf humor, this.

Hey, I get to use the "titular" label again. And not even because of Megan Fox (let's see if that drives any traffic. Nah.).

— 1 out of 5 Strokes T-shirts

Orange On the Aisle: Capote

Truman Capote, played by Philip Seymour Hoffman, has a name for his book, and he's only too happy to share it with Kansas lawman Alvin Dewey, played by Chris Cooper, who led the investigation of a murdered farm family. In Cold Blood he giddily tells Cooper, maybe expecting the impressed smiles and back-slapping he's just returned from in New York.

Cooper's lawman is not impressed, in turn asking Capote if the title describes the murders or Capote's own efforts to keep the convicted murderers from their appointment with the hangman. Life might be a little slower in Kansas, but Dewey recognizes cold blood when he sees it. But Capote's blood would run colder yet, as he eventually executes his own home invasion and killings, so to speak.

Right off the bat Capote felt like a good film — especially with Hoffman's performance and the nicely crafted photography and direction taking center stage. But it took a bit to get into the film having already seen a good portion of the other recent Capote film, Infamous. Much of the same ground was being covered early on, just with different emphasis.

Once you get past that you can enjoy Capote on its own terms, and I assume Infamous as well, though I still haven't seen it all the way through. The one drawback with Infamous is, having seen him in Layer Cake and Casino Royale among others, Daniel Craig playing killer Perry Smith doesn't really work for me.

But Capote works in all aspects. Befitting the subject matter and setting, it takes a cold, understated approach where what's unsaid usually carries much more weight. And shows how taking years to write a book can be as destructive as brief moments of violence.

— 4 out of 5 picturesque Kansas landscape shots

Orange On the Aisle: 30 Days of Night

Checked out 30 Days of Night, the horror flick based on the hit comics miniseries by Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith.

I never read the original series (I read some of the Bloodsucker Tales series, one of many follow-ups), but the concept sounded great and the trailer looked badass.

The concept: A crew of vampires descends on the town of Barrow, Alaska, which we're told is the northernmost town in the U.S., and which is about to descend into its annual 30 days with no sunlight. Vampires in a town with no sun for 30 days — a horror concept genius in its simplicity. And the head if the vampires thinks as much, saying, "We should have come here ages ago."

A repeated theme/criticism in the reviews I read noted there's no back story on these vampires — we don't know their story, where they're from, how they exist, anything. They just hop off a boat and get to killin', basically. Supposedly there's more back story in the comics, which saw the vampires starting out from New Orleans. Niles and the other screenwriters left this out of the film, wanting to maintain the notion of isolation with everything being set in Barrow.

The New Orleans story was the basis of a series of short episodes available from FEARnet On Demand. I watched them last year when the movie was about to come out, but I don't think they'll appease anyone looking for more back story.

But aside from wanting to know what was up with the boat that got the vampires to Alaska, the lack of back story didn't bother me. I was content knowing these vampires were just out for a good feasting opportunity, and ready for the gore. Of which there was much. This movie is damn bloody — these vampires aren't recruiting an army of the night, or brooding emo-style over their predicament — they're out for blood. A town's worth. Some of the carnage aspires to the creativity of recent zombie movies, including the excellent Dawn of the Dead remake.

But while the carnage is commendable, there are some problems with 30 Days. There are a few instances in which action on the part of characters we're led to believe would be very dangerous is handled off-screen. Early on, there are vampires all over town killing people in the streets, but a group of survivors moves from the diner to a house without being seen. I was expecting a scene with the survivors sneaking from point to point, relying on their town knowledge — one of the only advantages we're told they have — but no, nothing, they're just in the house all of a sudden. Pheww, I was worried.

Now huddled in the attic of this house, days pass by in large chunks — as we're told by the Day 15, etc. graphic. And while we were told the vampires were going house-to-house looking for survivors, they apparently got tired of doing this before hitting the hideout house.

And is the heat on this house? If not they'd freeze over the course of a month.

Oh yeah, 30 days? From the way the film was presented, this easily could have been set over two or three days and not lost anything storywise. There are so many jumps in the time, the whole 30 days thing is lost. If they didn't put up the graphics informing you of the day, you'd think the movie took place over a weekend.

If it was 30 days, what were the vampires doing that whole time? We can assume the survivors were trying to keep quiet and un-eaten. We know the vampires got tired of searching houses, so what, Wii Sports?

On a positive note, the cast was good, and the direction and look of the film was pretty slick. Pretty good overall if you can ignore some plot holes and are in the mood for some vampire gore.

Notes:
* Ben Foster looked like a dirty, bug-eyed Ben Templesmith drawing come to life.
* Stay away form little girls in horror movies, unless an axe is handy.
* Maybe the eeriest images from the movie is right at the beginning, when we see the vampires' freighter boat in the distance as Foster's character heads into town to prepare for their arrival. (A boat of vampires traveling the seas looking for blood is pretty cool, and the basis of a Sean Phillips comic — possibly with writer Ed Brubaker, can't remember — that never happened. Shame, looked cool.)

— 3 out of 5 dives through kitchen windows

Orange On the Aisle: London

I had seen a bit of London, usually the same scene, several times but finally watched it from the beginning recently. And despite the fact most of the characters are detestable, I kind of liked it.

The plot basically concerns Syd, played by Chris Evans, moping about and freaking out in the bathroom at a going away party for his ex-girlfriend. Luckily for the filmmakers this bathroom is huge, because 75 percent of the movie takes place in there. So good location scouting, dudes.

Joining Syd in the bathroom for venting and debate, along with a good deal of drug and booze ingestion, is Bateman, played by Jason Statham. He's basically a sounding board but dips into his own issues eventually.

While Syd works up the courage to exit the bathroom and speak to London, played by Jessica Biel, we get flashbacks and backstory. We also get that Syd is an overly dramatic ego-maniac, London's likely a cheating shit-talker, and the partygoers are coked-up skeezas. The only character you kind of like is Bateman, but he's helped by the fact he's Jason Statham. Louis C.K. also has an amusing cameo as Syd's therapist.

London feels like it was based off a play, and reminded me of
Hurlyburly a bit, which I also liked despite detestable, self-absorbed characters pontificating while doing heaps of coke and booze.

Not great, but better than I expected. It should be noted Evans (a good casting choice in Fantastic Four, probably the only one), did most of the movie in sweatpants. Interesting choice.

— 3 out of 5 white lines off a painting

Orange On the Aisle: I Heart Huckabees

I feel like I Heart Huckabees is one of those love or hate movies. That's what you get with a movie about existential detectives following around an environmental activist, a corporate guy from a Target-type store, his model girlfriend, and a firefighter with identity issues but who's very sure using petroleum is wrong, even if it means riding a bike to a fire.

It starts out with the Jason Schwartzman character asking existential detectives Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman for help explaining a coincidence of seeing the same African door man three times in a day. From there the philosophy and therapy on the run ensues.

For no other reason check Huckabees out for Mark Wahlberg, who is crazy but awesome as Tommy Corn the firefighter. Director and co-writer David O. Russell, as with Three Kings, also inserts some special effects bits that are pretty cool. The whole cast is good, but Wahlberg steals it.

Not for daily viewing, but I liked it a lot.

— 4 out of 5 dodgeballs

Orange On the Aisle: Eastern Promises

Ended up liking Eastern Promises more than I expected, as I was only so-so on Cronenberg's A History of Violence. In fact, when it ended I was a little surprised and wanting more.

This film gets pretty nasty, and I'm not even talking about naked Viggo fighting in the Turkish steambath scene, though that fight was pretty badass. I'm talking a poorly executed throat cutting that's gross, and a pregnant girl collapsing in a pool of her own blood in a pharmacy. I knew it was coming the second she walked in the door, but still gnarley.

Some of my favorite stuff in The Wire involves the dope "connect" with Sergei and the Greeks, and there should be no shortage of material focusing on Russian and Eastern Euro outfits as their influence grows and the Italians continue to collapse in on themselves. Hopefully this promises more stuff in the league of Eastern Promises.

Special shout-out to Vinz!

— 4 out of 5 kneecap tats

Orange On the Aisle: Rambo

Stallone's getting killed for this fourth incarnation of the Rambo series, and for good reason, but let's give him credit for at least one good call, though there's next to no chance he intended it.

The first scene portrays actions so reprehensible and bloody that it will make you walk out of the theater, or desensitize you properly for the carnage to come. Jeremy and I stuck around for the throat-ripping, head-exploding, jeep driver-disintegrating fun and you really could only just sit back and marvel. I most enjoyed the bow and arrow bit.

Special kudos to the chick who brought her 10-year-old daughter to the show. Babies havin' babies.

I also liked the pictured poster with its spray paint stencil look. When I saw them up in Brooklyn in November I thought it was a joke. Well, I guess it's still funny.

— 1 out of 5 head-piercing arrows

Orange On the Aisle: Smokin' Aces

I saw Smokin' Aces a while ago (and again recently), and thought it was a completely ridiculous story told in a hyper-kinetic, over the top style by director Joe Carnahan. But you know it's ridiculous going in, so don't sweat it. Sit back and enjoy the madness.

This guy gives a better review than I could, so peep that. For a movie that looks super violent in the trailer — and be assured, it is that violent — I have to agree with the observation on how death is handled. Instead of the "spoiler" scene the reviewer describes as his favorite (which is good), I'd side with the Jason Bateman scene. Genius.

If you see the trailer or the teasers at Carnahan's site and aren't pumped to see it, don't. Because what you see is what you get. If you think it looks cool, you'll probably like it.

By the way, Jeremy Piven's performance will make you never want to do drugs. And did I mention Alicia Keys as a hitwoman? Come on, how could you not like that movie?

— 3.5 out of 5 Matthew Fox hairdos

Orange On the Aisle: The Prestige

"Exact science isn't an exact science," David Bowie's character Tesla says in The Prestige. Neither, it seems, is digital cable because while I'm not supposed to be able to watch Encore OnDemand movies, I was allowed to view this awesome movie this week. And were it not 9 a.m. (and me not having gone to sleep yet), I would have watched it twice in a row. That's how good it was.

Christopher Nolan of Memento and Batman Begins fame directs, and The Prestige looks the business visually. Storywise we have the tale of two rival magicians in late 19th century London. Rivals in that they try to outdo each other in their acts, yes, but also the shooting off fingers and burying friends alive kind of rivals. Nolan, who also co-wrote, nicely pulls us in from the jump with Christian Bale's Borden character reading the journal of rival Hugh Jackman's Angier, who we see writing his journal while reading and translating Borden's.

I figured out a major element about an hour in, but things get twisty, and revelations come out of left field like throws from Andre Dawson, if he played left field. So I started thinking I figured it out too easily and was duped. Nope, I was right, but never comfortable as more madness and reveals roll out.

The Prestige gave me the vibe I was watching an extended issue of Warren Ellis and John Cassday's Planetary, as high praise as I can think of. After watching The Prestige, I wouldn't mind seeing Nolan take on a live action Planetary, actually.

— 5 out of 5 top hats

NOTE: I liked the "exact science" line a little better in 12 Monkeys, when the crazy homeless guy/voice in Bruce Willis' head, summing up the abilities of the "scientists" sending Willis thrugh time, says, "Science isn't an exact science with these clowns." Always cracks me up.

Orange On the Aisle: Children of Men

I caught Children of Men last night and aside from a few plot holes/questions (Why does Theo want to make the trip with Kee? What's the significance of The Fugees?), I thought this was really good. There were really good acting performances from everyone on down the line, but I most enjoyed the look of the film with both the direction (battle scene near end awesome looking) and art direction. The details in this 2027 world not too different from our own were spot on, including the see-through computer monitors, digital billboard on the side of a bus, home suicide kit commercials and dank look of London. I also liked Michael Caine's aged hippy character driving a futuristic car that still managed to look like an old, yellow Volvo station wagon.

— 4 out of 5 Fugees

Orange On the Aisle: The Bourne Ultimatum

If you've seen The Bourne Identity and The Bourne Supremacy you pretty much know what to expect with this third installment. And if you liked them rest assured, The Bourne Ultimatum doth too kick much ass.

Coming off the first two, I felt like Ultimatum devoted even more time for action, as that darn CIA just couldn't leave well enough alone. On the run again, Bourne takes the fight back to its source, and as the memories become clearer he learns just how he became a human weapon. (Not to be confused with The Perfect Weapon.) Bourne's birthing method concludes with a rather disturbing bit of initiation that the rest of the film's violence won't soften.

Ultimatum kicks ass. I got mine for Christmas, go get yours. Oh, movie review post title stolen from/in reverence to Conan O'Brien.

— 5 out of 5 sleeper agents